Lessons from 2011- for marriage, parenting and leadership

2011 saw my marriage tested with illness, my sons growing as teens and my leadership embracing vulnerability.

It took me a while to reflect on these very personal lessons, and they are for you.

1. Marriage

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.” Leo Tolstoy

My biggest trial this year was when my husband fell very ill in the middle of the year.  The nights in the hospitals, CT scans, blood tests, medications, were accompanied by my fears and tears.  I cried alone, I cried to God, “What do you want from me?  Have I not gone through enough?  Please if you will, take this cup away from me.  Help me,” even as I remembered Christ crying out before He was betrayed.  I knew I was not alone for Power greater than me would keep me strong.  For three months, I faced uncertainty, abrupt disruptions and my fears of abandonment.  Even the travels we did during that time was a way for him to heal quietly, and not a time of merriment.

Through this fire, my husband and I emerged better people, individually and as a couple.  He told me how much he appreciated me by his side, the nightly massaging him with essential oils and praying for him.  Love is a verb.  He got better in health and in his soul.  I grew in my wisdom, in embracing the vow “for better or worse, in sickness and in health”.  As a couple, well, we know what did not kill us (as people and our marriage) made us stronger.

Yet, my beloved did not know the extend of my trauma while he was being pretty helpless.  In December after he got better, we had a month of family vacation.  It was not the time to address the niggling pit within me.  On 31 Dec 2011 I knew the pit must be faced and expressed.  I wrote a letter to him, and in vulnerability, read to him, sharing how I had cried, what I had feared, and what I wished for now.  After he listened, he pulled me into his arms, and I bawled into his shoulders for 5 minutes.  And that flowing of tears in the arms of my husband  released my suppressed emotions.  It made up for the many times I had cried while he was sleeping, while he had no energy to comfort me.  And on the last day of the year, he held me like how he would have held me, how I had wished he was comforting me.

Leo Tolstoy’s quote reminds us that our loving serves to counteract sorrow and grief, and heals.  In our love, be ready to share our sorrows and hold each other and heal.  Even if that moment of holding is delayed, like mine was, it is never too late to ask and receive that embracing support.

2.  Parenting

“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it”  Proverbs 22:6

One of my most touching moments this year was standing next to my 15-year-old son in Church while we worship God.

".. be more gentle.. control your impulses. Think before you spit/hit/shout "is this a good thing to do?"

This is the son to whom I had written a letter (in my journal) in 2003.  I often pray for my kids in the forms of letters to God or to them.

Today, my teenage sons choose to hang out with positive peers who encourage them towards goodness.  They choose to spend their weekends in their churches serving, fellowshipping and having wholesome fun.  What more can a mother of teens ask for?

The days of directing them towards the way they should go, in the midst of their childish mischief, was at times tiring and at times hilarious.  Nevertheless, I am thankful for the self-discipline, love and faith they now have, and a communicative relationship I now have with them.

Parenting them is not over.  They will keep presenting new questions and demands that I will spend time pondering over.  And I will keep praying for them, and writing my letters to them.  Maybe now, I would actually give those letters to them.

3.  Leadership

“There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community.” M. Scott Peck

I re-visited Peck’s book “The road less travelled” during the months of my husband’s illness.

Vulnerability in leadership is different from vulnerable leadership.  My team was one of the first people I called and they met me at the hospital cafe.  I knew I could trust them to hold Wand Inspiration up and serve the clients even as I took time off work to care for my husband.  More than the professional support they gave, it was the emotional support I cherished.  For through my personal challenge, their counsel, coaching and company sustained me.  I have learnt that when a leader has already built credibility and trust through positive engagements and results, there is no weakness in sharing problems and needs.  In my time of weakness, I am made strong.

After my reflection, I am ready to face this new year.  Singing the hymn, “I don’t know about tomorrow.. but I know Who holds tomorrow, and I know Who holds my hand”, I know that the goals that I set are but a glimpse of the plans that the Almighty has in mind for me.

“May you prosper in all that you do and be in health, as your soul prosper too.”

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