Lessons from 2011- for marriage, parenting and leadership
2011 saw my marriage tested with illness, my sons growing as teens and my leadership embracing vulnerability.
It took me a while to reflect on these very personal lessons, and they are for you.
1. Marriage
“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.” Leo Tolstoy
My biggest trial this year was when my husband fell very ill in the middle of the year. The nights in the hospitals, CT scans, blood tests, medications, were accompanied by my fears and tears. I cried alone, I cried to God, “What do you want from me? Have I not gone through enough? Please if you will, take this cup away from me. Help me,” even as I remembered Christ crying out before He was betrayed. I knew I was not alone for Power greater than me would keep me strong. For three months, I faced uncertainty, abrupt disruptions and my fears of abandonment. Even the travels we did during that time was a way for him to heal quietly, and not a time of merriment.
Through this fire, my husband and I emerged better people, individually and as a couple. He told me how much he appreciated me by his side, the nightly massaging him with essential oils and praying for him. Love is a verb. He got better in health and in his soul. I grew in my wisdom, in embracing the vow “for better or worse, in sickness and in health”. As a couple, well, we know what did not kill us (as people and our marriage) made us stronger.
Yet, my beloved did not know the extend of my trauma while he was being pretty helpless. In December after he got better, we had a month of family vacation. It was not the time to address the niggling pit within me. On 31 Dec 2011 I knew the pit must be faced and expressed. I wrote a letter to him, and in vulnerability, read to him, sharing how I had cried, what I had feared, and what I wished for now. After he listened, he pulled me into his arms, and I bawled into his shoulders for 5 minutes. And that flowing of tears in the arms of my husband released my suppressed emotions. It made up for the many times I had cried while he was sleeping, while he had no energy to comfort me. And on the last day of the year, he held me like how he would have held me, how I had wished he was comforting me.
Leo Tolstoy’s quote reminds us that our loving serves to counteract sorrow and grief, and heals. In our love, be ready to share our sorrows and hold each other and heal. Even if that moment of holding is delayed, like mine was, it is never too late to ask and receive that embracing support.
2. Parenting
“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it” Proverbs 22:6
One of my most touching moments this year was standing next to my 15-year-old son in Church while we worship God.
".. be more gentle.. control your impulses. Think before you spit/hit/shout "is this a good thing to do?"
This is the son to whom I had written a letter (in my journal) in 2003. I often pray for my kids in the forms of letters to God or to them.
Today, my teenage sons choose to hang out with positive peers who encourage them towards goodness. They choose to spend their weekends in their churches serving, fellowshipping and having wholesome fun. What more can a mother of teens ask for?
The days of directing them towards the way they should go, in the midst of their childish mischief, was at times tiring and at times hilarious. Nevertheless, I am thankful for the self-discipline, love and faith they now have, and a communicative relationship I now have with them.
Parenting them is not over. They will keep presenting new questions and demands that I will spend time pondering over. And I will keep praying for them, and writing my letters to them. Maybe now, I would actually give those letters to them.
3. Leadership
“There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community.” M. Scott Peck
I re-visited Peck’s book “The road less travelled” during the months of my husband’s illness.
Vulnerability in leadership is different from vulnerable leadership. My team was one of the first people I called and they met me at the hospital cafe. I knew I could trust them to hold Wand Inspiration up and serve the clients even as I took time off work to care for my husband. More than the professional support they gave, it was the emotional support I cherished. For through my personal challenge, their counsel, coaching and company sustained me. I have learnt that when a leader has already built credibility and trust through positive engagements and results, there is no weakness in sharing problems and needs. In my time of weakness, I am made strong.
After my reflection, I am ready to face this new year. Singing the hymn, “I don’t know about tomorrow.. but I know Who holds tomorrow, and I know Who holds my hand”, I know that the goals that I set are but a glimpse of the plans that the Almighty has in mind for me.
“May you prosper in all that you do and be in health, as your soul prosper too.”
Gift exchange – without money involved
I thought of this exercise for my team’s Christmas dinner.
Objective: Create gifts that do not cost you any money, only requiring a spirit of abundance and creativity.
1.everyone sits in a circle
2. pass everyone two pieces of paper and a pen each
3. say, “think of something you would like, that someone around this circle can give to you without spending any money, something that someone can make, or somehow get for you.”
4. You may write one choice, or a few choices. Write your name.
5. fold your paper.
6. someone in the circle, collects the “wish lists”.
7. On the other piece of paper, write something you can give or create for someone else, without spending any money. Something lovely that you already have that you want to give away or something you can make for someone.
8. Write your “offers” and your name.
9. Each one picks one “wish list” and one “offer”, making sure you do not get your own paper.
10. Up to you if you want to disclose what you have gotten as a gift (someone’s “offer”) and what you will be giving (someone’s wish list).
Have fun!
My team and I spend time thinking of our lists. It is actually challenging to think of asking and offering gifts that will not cost us any money. And we told each other what the wish list and offers we received.
From this exercise, the offers include Xbox, holiday, evening bag, massage, website, and the wish lists includes requests for babysitting, family protraits, holiday, music CD.
We have till Christmas 2012 to redeem our gifts.
We each receive two gifts, and no one spends any cent. Just a lot of love, abundance and creativity.
Feel free to use this idea for your team or family. And when you use it, think of me fondly. :) And if you would like, please share your experience with me.
Dream unburied
Have you ever had a dream goal you wanted but thought the chance to reach it has gone?
Perhaps you are thinking, that by now, you would be too old, too slow and too busy to pursue the dream. You may have regrets that you had not spend your youthful days in its pursuit, or guilt that you have let it get away. You may question if you have the financial means, the social support and the inner-strength to do it now. I have one long-buried dream, which I am resurrecting.
In September 1992, I was admitted into the Honours class in Psychology. It was a gorgeous year of learning for me. I spent time reading research articles, debating research methodologies, questioning research results and critiquing one another’s ideas. I was part of three research teams- Family Relations, Adoption and Couple Abuse. It was also a year where the Honours class asked ourselves, “which graduate school are we going to?” There was no doubt that we were being prepared for further research work, and to become future psychology professors, or clinical psychologists.
By February 1993, I was offered graduate places in 5 universities, among which was Teachers’ College, Columbia University. It was an exciting time to choose where I would go next. I was young, bright and lavishing in the great possibilities of youthful scholastic adventures.
I rejected Columbia University because I was afraid to move to New York. In my youthfulness, I let irrational fear get in my way.
I accepted a scholarship and a fellowship from my alma mater to do my Masters. I spent the months of September 1993 to July 1994 in scholarly heaven. I was “paid” to study – read, question, research, discuss and write. I was also teaching undergraduates “Introduction to Psychology”.
One day in early 1994, I got a call to “come home” from my father. I told my research supervisor that I had an opportunity and responsibility to return to Singapore, to set up early childhood education centres. I would continue with my research while I worked and got married. Being the super-achiever that I was, it was not beyond my capabilities to design curriculum, train teachers, get married, and have two sons by 1997. I even had the time to conduct cross-cultural research on mother’s beliefs about education in both Vancouver and Singapore. And write a paper on “Teaching Thinking to Pre-schoolers” for the 7th International Thinking Conference.
Till the retrenchment happened, my third child was born, and my marriage collapsed, all within the last months of 1999.
One of the casualty of my divorce was my studies. I gave it up, in order to be single mother to three young ones, and to develop a new career in Raffles Institution. At that time, with a pinch of salt, I said to myself, “I am putting aside the MA to focus on being a MAMA.”
Nevertheless, the researcher in me remained curious. Even as I counseled and coached adolescents, I observed the interventions, conversations and progress – resulting in a presentation at the 2002 International Congress of Applied Psychology. When I worked with business leaders, I tested assumptions on great leadership. I kept my observations in my journals and I discussed ways to improvement interventions.
Furthermore, writing 22 books helped satisfy the writer in me, while the interviews for “Break to Dawn” was based on qualitative research methods.
You can take the researcher out of the school, but you cannot take the researcher out of me.
And now, almost 20 years after I first started my post-graduate education, after raising 3 children, after 22 books, and countless lessons taught to leaders, I am standing on the edge of a possible return to school.
My children find it hilarious that “mom wants to go to school again” when they cannot wait to end school. My husband thinks I would be a brilliant professor.
It is never too late to unbury a dream. If you believe it is aligned to your life purpose and will make a difference, go take it out. A dear friend asked me, “what would you regret if you do not do it?”
I know it is not too late, but timely. I may not be 23, but I have a wealth of wisdom gained over the last 18 years. I have learnt about life the hard way, I have picked myself up from huge falls, I have become more sensitive and empathetic to the setbacks of leaders. I am now more confident of myself, and more passionate about what I stand for.
I am ready to be a formal scholar again (as opposed to a closet one). For the last three years, I have pondered about this dream goal, questioning if my team is ready to step up and if I am ready for the challenge. Finally, I am going beyond “thinking” – I am taking action. I am starting the process of applying to graduate schools again. This time, not as a 22-year-old but a 41-year-old.
When I was 23 and teaching Introduction to Psychology, I had a student who was 62. She taught me that it was never too late to go back to school, that being a matured student meant she came with wisdom not found in the textbooks, and I delighted in her questions and insights.
She unburied her dream at 62, what about you?
Technology deteriorates ability to think for ourselves?
Today, I was practising to take the Graduate Entrance Examinations (long story on the why and what that I will share another day). One of the sample task requires me to discuss the extent I agree or disagree that “as people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.”
This got me thinking. And I wrote the following. Please let me know what you think. Analytical enough?
Hope it gets you thinking too.
With technology so easily available to most people, even children are relying on their technological tools like computers and handphones to operate the simplest cognitive tasks. Need to add up a few numbers? Use the calculator button on the iPhone. Need to look up recommendations for investing your money? Google a few websites for information and advice. Want to make a Thai beef salad but do not know the ingredients or a recipe book around? The answer is 5 seconds away in the computer. Even having “no time” to go to the bank is easily solved by internet banking.
It looks like there is a ready answer for any problem, as long as you have access to internet forums, Wikipedia and a technological devise.
Therefore, we can allow others in the forums to solve our problems for us. Why think for ourselves when others, via technological devises, can do it for us?
With technology making information and solutions easily accessible to us, we may need less time to solve problems. We may not need to remember many historical facts, costs of an item, or even the directions to a destination.
This may mean that it frees us to think of real problems in life, and spend the time imagining possibilities, analyzing the pros and cons of several options, and predicting outcomes. We would even have the time and freedom to question the reliability of the sources of information the internet has given us.
Yes, there are some big problems in life that technology can only aid in the problem-solving process, and NOT solve the problem for you.
For example, I would like to enter graduate school, and I am married with 4 children. There is a problem : how to accomplish my educational goal while being here for my family? Relying on the technological advances of an iMac, and Firefox, I am able to surf the internet for information on graduate schools which are within my country of Singapore, or programmes that allow me to study and still earn some money and be at home. Technology can help me email an inquiry to a faculty member, and practice the GRE questions at home.
However, the actual responsibility of “thinking for myself” falls onto myself. No one but myself can answer the questions of “what am I doing this for?”. “What is important to me?”, “What research do I want to be involved with?” and “What are my career plans?”
If I do not have the ability to reflect on my strengths and weaknesses, priorities, support network, and thus solve my own problems, then I would hardly think I have the wits to excel in any graduate school.
My example is only but a single one, which demonstrates that even as we rely on technology to help us, to provide us with information and speed to solve problems, we must not neglect our own ability to think analytically, critically and creatively to solve our problems.
It goes to show, that as we allow our children to use technology, we must still be mindful to teach them to think for themselves – know their values, set their goals, make their mistakes and learn from life. This way, we ensure that the technologically savvy people of tomorrow can still wisely and responsibly make up their own minds, and live with the consequences.
Analytical writing practice: Technology and deteriorating ability to think for yourself
Today, I was practising to take the Graduate Entrance Examinations (long story on the why and what that I will share another day). One of the sample task requires me to discuss the extent I agree or disagree that “as people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.”
This got me thinking. And I wrote the following. Please let me know what you think. Analytical enough?
Hope it gets you thinking too.
With technology so easily available to most people, even children are relying on their technological tools like computers and handphones to operate the simplest cognitive tasks. Need to add up a few numbers? Use the calculator button on the iPhone. Need to look up recommendations for investing your money? Google a few websites for information and advice. Want to make a Thai beef salad but do not know the ingredients or a recipe book around? The answer is 5 seconds away in the computer. Even having “no time” to go to the bank is easily solved by internet banking.
It looks like there is a ready answer for any problem, as long as you have access to internet forums, Wikipedia and a technological devise.
Therefore, we can allow others in the forums to solve our problems for us. Why think for ourselves when others, via technological devises, can do it for us?
With technology making information and solutions easily accessible to us, we may need less time to solve problems. We may not need to remember many historical facts, costs of an item, or even the directions to a destination.
This may mean that it frees us to think of real problems in life, and spend the time imagining possibilities, analyzing the pros and cons of several options, and predicting outcomes. We would even have the time and freedom to question the reliability of the sources of information the internet has given us.
Yes, there are some big problems in life that technology can only aid in the problem-solving process, and NOT solve the problem for you.
For example, I would like to enter graduate school, and I am married with 4 children. There is a problem : how to accomplish my educational goal while being here for my family? Relying on the technological advances of an iMac, and Firefox, I am able to surf the internet for information on graduate schools which are within my country of Singapore, or programmes that allow me to study and still earn some money and be at home. Technology can help me email an inquiry to a faculty member, and practice the GRE questions at home.
However, the actual responsibility of “thinking for myself” falls onto myself. No one but myself can answer the questions of “what am I doing this for?”. “What is important to me?”, “What research do I want to be involved with?” and “What are my career plans?”
If I do not have the ability to reflect on my strengths and weaknesses, priorities, support network, and thus solve my own problems, then I would hardly think I have the wits to excel in any graduate school.
My example is only but a single one, which demonstrates that even as we rely on technology to help us, to provide us with information and speed to solve problems, we must not neglect our own ability to think analytically, critically and creatively to solve our problems.
It goes to show, that as we allow our children to use technology, we must still be mindful to teach them to think for themselves – know their values, set their goals, make their mistakes and learn from life. This way, we ensure that the technologically savvy people of tomorrow can still wisely and responsibly make up their own minds, and live with the consequences.
When children and adult learn and succeed the same way
Last week, I spent two hours with my husband’s ex-wife. We talked about children, work and many other issues. We joked and we laughed.
I have a better relationship with her than my husband does with her. After all, they have baggage between them. I have nothing to do with their past marital problems. So, to her, I was someone who brought up three children as a single mother.
And our common interest is her daughter – my stepdaughter.
So if this 8-year-old girl needs help with her studies, discipline, attitude, we unite together to discuss strategies.
My thinking goes like this – in order for this girl to develop the “habits of highly effective person”, we must put in the effort to cultivating them NOW while she is 8.
Today, I spend more time watching over her as she practises her math, than I do watching over the 16, 15 and 12 year-olds put together. The older three had their share of “scaffolding” when they were 8 years old. By now, they are independently practising their math, researching their science, and revising in ways most suitable for their learning styles.
In a nutshell, wikipedia defines scaffolding as “the helpful interactions between adult and child that enable the child to do something beyond his or her independent efforts. A scaffold is a temporary framework that is put up for support and access to meaning and taken away as needed when the child secures control of success with a task.” I call it “give support till the learners can perform on their own.”
Beyond child development, this concept of scaffolding can be applied to adult learning, development and performance too.
Last week, two of my facilitators Thaddeus and Albert spent 6 days with a group of young (22-24 year-old) leaders of the navy. Although they had facilitated many other programmes for other groups, it was the first time that Thaddeus and Albert were running this particular programme. I went in on the first day to give my support. And then I left them on their own till the 6th day, when I came to facilitate an emotional awareness process.
In order for Thaddeus or Albert to independently perform without me, they have experienced “scaffolding” – watched me or another facilitator, delivered while I watched and coached, done parts solo and self-coached, over and over again, till they can do it by themselves. They have had support till they can do it on their own successfully.
There is no instant results, no short-cut to a performance of excellence.
And they scaffolded their 23 participants in the latter’s learning, such that by Day 6, 22 men and 1 woman have overcome negative thinking; embraced their goals, strengths and gifts; learnt to communicate clearly and confidently – ready to “step out of their comfort zone” into the “stretching zone” by themselves. Nevertheless, these learners still recognise the importance of peer support, and thus they agree to keep helping one another learn and grow.
Whenever I see the gap between potential and performance get smaller, I feel immense satisfaction and gratitude. I know it was the effort of the parent/leader/coach to help the learner close the gap. I also acknowledge the learners for their perseverance, and diligence.
There is much joy in the learning. And when we finally perform, we know the effort of rigor and practice is worth it.
Thus, I tell my little step-daughter, “keep practising. You are developing good habit”. She beams at the acknowledgement and attention. And she moves onto the next math problem.
How not to be old (and why do not hint to men)
My husband says I am the hottest 41-year-old. Bless that man, he does not say much (compared to me) but when he does, his words of affirmation is so appreciated.
Today, I have put into practice the lesson that I often teach others - create your own happiness.
God has given us a mind to make choices. Do you wait for others to choose what and how to make you happy? Or do you choose what and how you will create happy moments, hours and birthdays for yourself?
Yesterday, I decided that I would like to have a birthday dinner with my parents, best friend, husband and children. Do I wait for anyone to make the booking? No.
I mean, it is my birthday. I asked for ideas, I searched the web, and then I told husband where I wanted and asked, “is that OK?” Afterall, I choose the place, he pays. Fair deal.
And then I called and made reservations.
This morning, he asked me, “what do you want to do?” I looked at my calendar, saw a meeting for 2pm, and chose a place for lunch that is close to it so I could be at meeting on time. He agreed. We had a lovely lunch and then I went for meeting.
Lesson: Be responsible for your own happiness – do not hint
My sons have told me that they do not get hints like, “if you have time, it would be nice if you can do the dishes.” Men just do not get (or more likely not appreciated) hints.
If I said to hubby, “you did not plan my birthday.. how come you planned last year’s but not this year.. How come you NEVER buy me flowers ” that would be an indirect and useless piece of communication. And the word NEVER is poor communication, definitely. How often people use such hints instead of specifically ask for what they want?
Create your own happiness.
When I decided I would like my team to party with me on Saturday (also a last-minute decision made yesterday), I messaged the invitation out. If you want a party, create a party.
Do not wait around for one to “just happen”.
I also decided that I would wear a new red dress. I bought it a few months ago, to keep for a special day. I would not normally wear such a RED dress to work, but if my birthday is not a special day, then when? So I put it on and feel happy.
One of the secrets of being youthful, is to be happy.
No matter how many difficult moments there are in your life, find a way to create a moment of happiness for you. A sense of contentment, of gratitude, of peace.
I often buy myself flowers. I ask best friend out for coffee. I make a date with husband. I go for a walk with one of my children. I browse through FaceBook for news and comments of friends.
It is these seemingly mundane activities that create those few minutes, or hours or moments of pleasure. It is not the big lottery win(which would not happen since I do not buy) or the big long holiday.
Birthdays come once a year. Happiness is a choice everyday. Choose wisely and then create.
P.S. Finally decided to show my face in this blog. After all , without the hints, i did get flowers and ice cream.
41 and feeling young. Who wouldn't, when there are flowers and ice cream?
Turning 41
Last year, when I faced the big 4-0, I felt excited. It was a milestone and it deserved a big celebration. A celebration which my dear husband planned secretly with my closest friends for months. What a wonderful surprise.
Today, as I think of becoming 41 very sooooooon, I am filled with more melancholy than merry, more apprehension than anticipation.
If I were to be blessed to live till 80, I am now past half my life. Half is gone, lived, completed.
If life is like a hill, I have reached the top, and now they call it “over the hill”. No wonder.
And if climbing up was hard at times, scary at times (the view did get better the higher we climb), then going downhill should/might/would be easy, fast, and not so good on those knees.
Remember I climbed Mt Agung a few months ago? I think I used my walking stick a lot more on the descent than the ascent.
This means I sure would need more support in this second half of my life (plus maybe dentures in a few decades).
Problem is I am not sure how long after 41 I will live for.
One question I ask myself today, “what else can I do to ensure my kids are growing well, even if I were gone?” I know that when I wrote “All Kids R Gifted” ten years ago (that long), the parenting guide in each book is like the instruction manuel for anyone who might parent my kids in my stead. Thus I wrote about nurturing delayed gratification, and the importance of acknowledgement to children.
Now, I am tempted to write an instruction manuel on how to nurture my teens – what are my values, what are the psychological stages they will go through and what to do. When I cannot communicate with them via Facebook, Whatsapp or SMS anymore, what voices will they hear that will encourage and guide them?
Thinking about my parenting responsibility is just one of many aspects of my life that I am being melancholic about.
In conclusion to today’s blog is this.
I may not know how more I will live for.
What is certain is 40 years, 11 months and 28 days have been lived with glorious insights, through pain and gain, sorrow and joy, and me emerging beautiful and strong like a diamond.
Though what comes next is still veiled in some uncertainty, I know I can count on faith, family and friends to be with me till the end. Hopefully, I will find more gain and joy than pain and sorrow, and have ever more strength to overcome “whatever”. And yes, have some beauty that I can still preserve without preservatives.
Afterall, 40 years may be completed, but my life is not finished. The journey continues.
How NOT to progress in your career
If I do not want to grow in my career, I should..
1. be afraid to take risks
2. be too shy to tell anyone that I want a better/different/more interesting role at work
3. think I would fail in any new position anyway
4. stick to what skills I already perfected
5.keep quiet during meetings – who wants to hear my opinion anyway
6. not trust anyone in the organization – no one will want to help me succeed anyway.
7. let my current boss make me indispensable to him
8. have no other interests in life except the areas I am working in
9. not socialise with my colleagues after work
10. talk about how much i hate my job/boss/client/team
There you go, now you know how to be safe.
